I have been feeling troubled lately... of everything... of losing my motivation.... of not losing the rest of the weight I want to lose... of gaining back what I have already lost... not being inspiring or motivating to the people that look up to me and need my daily “pick-me-ups.” I try and stay positive all the time because I know people are watching, but it’s hard! Its been a long journey and even though I just hit my goal a few weeks ago, stuff like this worries me.
My rational self knows that feeling like this is silly, but my emotional self is scared stupid and is just waiting for the fallout to happen. I feel overwhelmed with my jobs, the kids’ school and their activities, being available for hubby time, fitting in my workouts and shedding these last few pounds.
This weight loss and getting healthy has been a huge deal... I have tried to do this so many times in the past and it all ended in failure, until this time. I have sworn to myself that I am not going to through this hell again. When I started, I knew I wanted this time to be different and it has been. I couldn’t even imagine starting over and having to ever do this again... Seriously, that makes me nervous.
Maintenance mode is hard! Losing these last few pounds is testing my patience. My weight is hovering over my goal, but sometimes when I see the number on the scale increase just slightly, it makes me go into “cleanse mode.” It also makes me think to myself “Am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life?” I am all about the lifestyle change, but when will my guilty conscience from eating or treating myself to “cheat foods” go away?
There are so many things about me that have changed and will never return. I'm very aware of that (I think.) I know I thoroughly enjoy working out and can’t seem to go a day without doing it. I am just hopeful that I don’t burn myself out. Even though I have evolved into a much better individual than I was six months ago, I crave for perfection, which I know is impossible.
Maybe I am nervous because its fall time and it’s getting colder out. Its days like these that make me feel like being lazy. It makes me want to curl up on the couch with a good book and a warm blanket. Enjoying and taking in the silence and every once in while gaze out the big window in our living room and watch the trees blow in the wind and see the leaves fall like rain. Other worries on my mind…The holidays are coming. I love celebrating them, but the thought of all the comfort foods that come with the holidays overwhelms me. I don’t want to pack on the “winter fat.”
I don't have an answer right now. Maybe I won't ever have an answer to any of this and I will just need to take it day by day... Perhaps that just writing this is the answer...I hope that’s it.
Quote of the Day:
"Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself."Richard Bach